Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?