Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

i actually laughed 😩

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.