Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.