Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
What number SPF blocks people?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
…żyje?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Overindulged this afternoon.