Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
You learn something every day
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge