Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
A double negative is a big no-no.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
still the best tweet of the year by far
