Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
You Might Also Like
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
