Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Just did a big green poo by a canal
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it