Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
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I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*