Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
You were the one.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
There is no “we” in pizza
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in