Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
yeah no that’s fair
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day