Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its true…

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

How to make infinite energy.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”