Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours