Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
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My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
About to throw up
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Classic German Shepherd 😂