Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Things will get butter, keep churning

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.