Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
in the ocean
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.