Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
LMAO
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.