virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.