virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
