Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks Timeline*…

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston