Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

New mindset, who dis?

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts