virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
*praying for world peace*
God:
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE