Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.