Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.