virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies