Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this