VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
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My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.