Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Nothing.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.