Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“FOUND ‘EM!”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack