Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.