[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
yall want some gasoline milk
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.