[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”