[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
emergency phone
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I can’t stop watching this.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Every work call, he judges.
