Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

HERE’S MARKY

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

We avoided this particular disaster

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing