[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
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to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.