Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

Ferrari squats

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

i’m still crying at this

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it