*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
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gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Hell yeah 👍
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.