Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs