Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

From my Mom

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep