Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what