[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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This meal prepping shit easy
boys are so easy to impress
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people