Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

The struggle is real

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

yeah 😭

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way