Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Best spot.. 😅

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol