Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical