The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
*69 minutes later*
You Might Also Like
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?