@ThugRaccoons

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

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@DothTheDoth

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

@Parkerlawyer

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever

@jollyrobber

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

@ch000ch

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

@House_Feminist

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

@junejuly12

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

@TheHyyyype

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

@Lindzeta

Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?