Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
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I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Friends that check up on you >
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.