Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
Previously On Persistence 😎
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.