Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
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being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I just ran a .003048K
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Happy weekend !
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.