Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.