Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

We will use anything but the metric system

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”