visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.