Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

🤣😂🤣😂

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water