Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 馃
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
So because my friend helped me move, now I鈥檓 expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
How to draw a duck
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like 鈥渨hat do yall want? Advice? Cause I don鈥檛 have any money鈥滾MAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My cats won鈥檛 talk to me because I came home late from work.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can鈥檛 go anywhere.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I鈥檓 not giving you any money for that.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.