Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
You Might Also Like
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this