Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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