Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 馃
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
is this a threat
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I鈥檇 get me a Joop
I鈥檓 a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I鈥檓 a Florida Walmart 5.
I don鈥檛 know I guess I always thought Spock would鈥檝e had more ear hair sorry to get political
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I鈥檓 so glad he enjoyed it.
Welcome to your 40鈥檚: you鈥檙e older than your doctor now.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Just call and I鈥檒l be there.
*Turns phone off*
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
the noise i just made
If you鈥檙e ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?