Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know