Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things