Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.