Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

👀

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?