[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…