[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…