*visits random websites just for the cookies*
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl