*visits random websites just for the cookies*
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65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
⚰
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.