Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive