Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

I’m good, thanks.

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

ㅤ

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.