Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

*Seductively hides in the woods

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Seek kebab; not attention

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix