Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.