Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

selena gomez

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.