*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
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On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
i made a craigslist ad !
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.