*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
*Vladimir Putin dining*
I want Russian fries
“They’re French fries”
Not for long
*crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France*
Not for long
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My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.
I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
The thing about eating broken cookies is there’s no way to know how many you had.
“You ate the whole ba-”
THERE’S NO WAY TO KNOW.