@SatansTongue

*Vladimir Putin dining*
I want Russian fries
“They’re French fries”
Not for long
*crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France*
Not for long

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@dafloydsta

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

@bazecraze

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

@AKcrazy18

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

@KeetPotato

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

@daneZie

Hey hedgehogs, how about leaving some hedges for the rest of us?

@DairylandDon

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

@TechnicallyRon

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

@rockymomax

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

@pleatedjeans

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]