Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
You Might Also Like
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
next level snooze
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11