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79.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.