Vodka burrito was a success
You Might Also Like
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
This has made my week.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
#NeverForget
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.