Vodka burrito was a success
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Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material