Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

I’d use my best pan on you.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”