Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

Webb. James Webb.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing