Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.