Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Short story

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.