Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
You Might Also Like
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
jesus, what did this guy do
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…