When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
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“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Canada has crack?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
No way!
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
she would like to bark at the manager, please.